Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
