my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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