im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
