watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
