I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
