If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
