god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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