$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
