meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
