My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
