Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
