I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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