What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
