Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
How does it feel to date your dad?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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