When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
