There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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