You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Randomize
