I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
