My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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