I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
