End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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