I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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