It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
