Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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