$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
