My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
