I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
