Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
my sisters under your porch take her home
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
