You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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