If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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