Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
