Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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