Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
