Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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