i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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