the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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