It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
She told me I should be a condom model.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize
