Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
