For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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