whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
