I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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