ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
