My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Randomize
