It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
