someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Redeem this text for a blowjob
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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