he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
