I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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