Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
