Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
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