Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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