I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Randomize
