My liver just broke up with me...
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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