Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
