Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
mondays should just be called national damage control day
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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