Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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