Sober January is a disaster.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
