I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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