What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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