i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize